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Hungry house

This blog post is not about a house that is hungry but instead about people who are in a house who are hungry. Please read with care.

It’s a most common problem, one that at some time had effected every house hold in England, Scotland and wales if not the entire planet.

You are at home in your house and you become hungry. Nightmare. You go to the fridge and you see that its empty, you look through the cupboards and notice that they too are empty other than a tin of strange meat which you do not dare eat. You sit back down in front of the TV for 5 minutes then get back up and re check the fridge. Its still empty, you repeat this process a number of times until you are too weak to do it again. This ladies and gentlemen is the effect of hungry house and it can cause great pain and sadness to all those who have to live with this problem.

But fear not, there is a solution, a simple solution one that has been kept a secret for some time, and in order to access to the solution to your hungry house problem you need to engage with both your belly and you brain at the same time and think smart.

The answer to to the problem is very simple indeed when you have a hungry house just simply click on one of the banners displayed on this site and order takeaway online from anyone of the available takeaways, pay on your card or simply with a wad of change that you have found down the back of your sofa and before you know it HEY PRESTO a nice tasty takeaway has arrived on your doorstep.

We do hope that this public service announcement / blog post will help you out, it is strongly suggested that you bookmark this page and share it with friends on Facebook and twitter to ensure that we together can solve this first world problem once and for all.

Here are some rules on how to meet new people

1. Brush your teeth

2. Don’t try meeting new people outside schools by offering them sweets

3. Don’t meet new people online by pretending to have a six pack / skinny / massive boobs then turn out to be fat / fat / small boobs and fat

4. Read things on the internet called meet new people then follow the instructions

5. Wear a t shirt that says i like boobies

6. Post naked photos on line in a hope that you will meet some nice new people

7. Pick your nose – serious people love this

8. Act really cool and interesting and talk over people

9. Tell people how successful you are and how cool you are – your not in fact you are probably less cool than jedward

10. Don’t f*** kids

We do hope that list helps, other things not do include include eating bad takeaway bought from dirty takeaway shops where the owners pay no tax and spit in the food

Do you know what a bongal is?

Bongal is a few things

1. A place in india or pakistain or somewhere like that were people ride around on fucking donkeys and steal stuff them have their hands chopped off

2. A social network, that connects you with other people with the same interests, allows you to find more out about your interests and if your lucky gets you laid. There are forums, a chat function and private messaging available along with full profiles with pictures and status updates.

3. A Bongal is a type of pizza

B – Bacon

O – Onions

N – Nice stuff

G – Garlic

A – Apple

L – Love

Were not too sure about the apple, but why not order one next time you have a takeaway, or failing that head over to bongal and start a discussion about bongal – WOW this is like inception just with more pizzas and social networks.

This article may contain things that are true or not true, we have not checked and we wont check. We advise you to check on all facts yourself

WINNERS OF THE WORST ONLINE TAKEAWAY AWARDS

We are pleased to announce and warn everyone that takeaways r us have been voted as the worst online takeaway service anywhere in the world.

DO NOT USE THIS SERVICE

Voting was based on service, design, usability and on the quality of the owners / staff, unfortunately for takeaways r us they failed in every area. And to be fair what would you expect from a company that’s own name is written in chav type “r us”

In the years 2009 – 2011 it is estimated that they have only processed 3 orders all of which failed as they do not have any form of technology to process the orders and rely on phone and ancient fax machines, this combined with the  non existent customer service will ensure that anyone who uses this service will live to regret it.

Their site was designed by a 2 year old with some crayons

They once sold dog meat as kebabs on their site

The owners don’t pay tax

Both owners still wet the bed

The management cannot spell or string single sentences together, this is due to their complete lack of education and the fact that they are scum.

Their TOS are laughable

1.3. PLEASE NOTE WE WILL NOT ACCEPT ANY FORM OF ABUSE – We did not make this up, feel free to head over and read the rest, they have 2 sets of terms both with a large amount of typos in and both written by dumb twats.

In fact we cant even be bothered to type much more about how shit the attitudes of the owners of this site are, how pathetic and crap the site is and how you should never use it it in a million years.

In addition they did also win the catogarys for

Internet business that should be shut down and burnt

Dick head of the year award 08, 09, 10, 11 and they are tipped to win it for 2012

Takeaway as we all know is made by people who don’t care for hygiene. Many people who order takeaway do not have great health and safety measurements or policy’s in place, which is why you must have a nice clean bathroom suite available for your own personal use.

Its very important that your bathroom is kept clean, as you will want somewhere nice to go after eating a hot curry made by a unprofessional with dirty hands. Now we are not saying all takeaway owners have dirty hands but it is common knowledge that a vast percentage of these takeaway owners and their workforce do not have a great hygiene standards, it has even been said that they instead of using toliet toliet paper they simply use there hands to wipe, as we all know this is disgusting behavior.

But hey what do you expect from cheap takeaway? After all you are not ordering from the Ritz, you are ordering from people who refuse to pay taxes and who not not have any health and safety procedures in place. Some local councils run schemes like scores on the doors. These local government run schemes help highlight some of the worst offenders by publishing there scores online and then you as a takeaway eater can decide whether or not you would want to eat at such a place or if you rather spend your money on something nice maybe from marks and spencers or go elsewhere perhaps to the Ritz or the Ivy.

I guess what we are trying to say is, choose a cheap crappy takeaway and you will need to have a clean bathroom as you will be spending a lot of time in it, there are lots of great bathroom suites available some of which are designed for people who eat lots of takeaway and some of which are designed for people who go to the Ritz.

We hope you enjoyed this internet lesson in health and safety for people who eat cheap takeaway.

Anyone watch the apprentice ?

Its by far one our most favorite shows on TV, its got everything business, drama, mayhem and above all it makes you want to scream at the TV which is either a good or a bad thing. In the past the contestants have been mostly idiots that you wouldn’t employ as a toilet cleaner (note there is nothing wrong with being a toilet cleaner) but this years (2011) line up featured the one and only Leon Doyle.

Leon runs http://www.themastermenu.com/ a online takeaway ordering website and they also have a handy “master menu” which contains all your favorite menus in one place, its great and gets delivered to your door for FREE which makes it even better.

Next time your felling peckish head over to Leons site and give your belly a treat

Sometimes we want food in a hurry another word for hurry is nifty so I guess you could say we are looking for niftynosh as nosh is another word for food.

Now sometimes food not need to be in a hurry but other times you will find yourself in a rush and its because of this rush you will require your nosh which as we learn’t earlier  is a 1960s words for food that no one uses any more …. any way you will require your food to be delivery quick and with a bit of magic for which you could call nifty, we guess, if you had to, and if you couldn’t think of anything better.

And when you need your food as you have found yourself in a situation like described above you will no doubt have to order takeaway online and there save time spent on the phone dealing with idiots who can spell a street name or any of the menu items they have on offer such as pizza or chips, this is mainly because they are idiots and all they care about is counting there tax free cash and not washing there hands when they cook your food, or should we say reheat the cheap shit they have bought with cash from some crappy cash and carry down the road for 1p and are now selling it to you for £9.99

Now then similar to our food2us post this post will be all about niftynosh and why it is important to rank in Google, in fact not just rank in Google and the other search engines but to dominate them and own them therefore controlling all the traffic and as a direct result of this you will then control the customers who order the food and then the takeaways who process the orders will be eating our of your hands, this is because they have no manors or plates but who cares you own them now.

So how do you own them? Simple you to first learn about SEO and to do this you need to talk to the people who know the takeaway market inside out improve seo

Sometimes at home we wish that someone would bring food2us that way we wouldn’t have to get of the sofa and pause the film while we cooked something or rang for a takeaway and spent 3 hours trying to spell our name out to some idiot you doesnt understand a word your saying

M

A

R

K

MARK

ok ok  narh

WTF

Yeah it would be a cool thing indeed if we had a online service that bring food2us perhaps if they were clever they would speak to an expert seo leeds expert  who could teach them all manor of things including how to rank for any keywords they wanted to and if they decided to put there hand in their wallet and spend some money on marketing they might also be bale to afford a business plan, sales plan and a whole host of other great things.

Well we can only live in hope that one day we will be able to order takeaway online so someone can bring food2us